Four dogs and a sicky Nikki

We're a few days away from Christmas, and it seems like we're both getting sick. (Nicole: Getting sick?)

Okay, amend that. She's sick, and I'm right behind her. We're also watching Jeanne and Colleen's dog, which brings our total up to 4. They've all been pretty well-behaved, though Rufus has stolen food off of our plates TWICE in the past hour. They also like to run around randomly barking and riling each other up...and then stopping. And then starting again. I think they're crazy.

Christmas is coming! I won't post what I bought her for Christmas, but I wish we could open presents now so she could enjoy some of them. I've been keeping track of my bank account, so I made it through December with no issues. Hooray!

I still want us to run the Resolution Run, even though we have not kept up on our running. Maybe it'll inspire us to get back on track for the New Year.

I've been reading The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe out loud before bed to Nicole, which we're both enjoying. I'm going to count that as the "read poems aloud to each other" since it's happening fairly regularly. I want to go through the whole Narnia series -- it's something my mom used to read to Joe and me when we were younger.

I also want to get rid of some books off of my bookshelf -- I'm thinking of trading them in or just donating them somewhere. I don't know. I don't need all of these books anymore.

Not much to say...wish Nicole felt better.

January and February

I forgot to mention that January is our vegetarian month and February is our vegan month. This is our way to cleanse after the holiday season.

I'm Uppers, I'm Downers

Nicole keeps reminding me that I haven’t posted about the Turkey Trot, and I keep having “things” happen to me that really warrants an update. So here goes.

1. Turkey Trot: I did as well as I expected to – I ran and ran and ran and actually was caught by surprise when a colleague, who was also running, came over and high-fived me (he was going in the opposite direction and nearing the end). Though I would have liked to run three miles, the reality was that we were trying to run with walkers surrounding us. It was like a military stealth mission weaving in between everyone. And at some point, I just thought, “Why am I running and everyone else is walking? Walking sounds like a good idea.” And I stopped running. Next time, we’ll start at the end of the runners, that way we’re motivated to keep up rather than slow down. We’ve only run once since the race – I guess life gets in the way.

2. Master's program: Ah, you’re probably thinking, “This is going to be good news!” It was. Before Friday. Here’s the story: I was accepted into a Master’s in Education program at Regis University, which was excellent news. I received the email, the letter, spoke to my advisor, etcetera etcetera. And then. The next day, after telling so many people I was accepted, I got an email from my advisor asking if I had my teaching license. Well, no. But I’ve taught for three years now in my fourth…doesn’t matter. And even though I searched far and wide for the information about whether or not I needed my teaching license, it wasn’t anywhere on their website, brochure, or introductory packet. So…retroactively, I was declined. Wah wah.

3. Perhaps you’re wondering, “Libby, why don’t you have your teacher’s license? You have a bachelor’s in education from Bloomsburg.” Yes, I do. And Colorado law says that I need a program completed at a university, which I have, and three years experience, which I have. But wait. Because I did my training out-of-state, I need three years of out-of-state experience. And after many phone calls, it is true: if I worked in any of the other 49 states of the USA, I could get my COLORADO license. But because I work in Colorado and did my teacher education program somewhere else, I can’t get it. Amazing.

4. This week has taught me once again that I desperately need my medication. Nicole received a text message from me with all of my passwords and when she asked me why, I said, “In case anything happens to me.” She thought I was trying to commit suicide again (I wasn’t). I was in a very dark place in my brain, though. Meds are being taken, though, and therapy on Monday helped, so all is well in that arena.

5. Our dogs are really adorable. If you haven’t met them yet, you need to come by and see them. Ruby is getting so big!

6. Nicole gave me an engagement ring! I’m not sure I blogged about that yet, but it’s absolutely perfect. I look down at it often.

I THINK that’s everything. We need to get back to running. I have a week left of school before the semester is over. And I have to do some serious Christmas shopping soon.

Quinoa and Red Beans

In an effort to eat healthier, I decided to build a concoction last night that sounded like a good idea. Quinoa and red beans.

First of all, if you've never made quinoa before, you're certainly missing out. Go get some immediately. Replace it for rice, and you'll never go back.

When I lived alone, I used to make brown rice and red beans all of the time as my meal, but always had to add a lot of salt (note: I love love love garlic salt, salt, anything sodium-y. 'Tis one of my many downfalls). Nicole always makes quinoa with broth instead of water, so I thought, hey, I can get my sodium fix, and see how this all turns out.

I put some olive oil in a pan (just a little), and chopped up a clove of garlic. Next time I'll put a little more in it, maybe three or four cloves. When the garlic was starting to become brown, I put in a cup of quinoa and 2+ cups of chicken broth. When we do our vegetarian month, I'll replace the chicken broth (which I had in the house) with vegetable broth (which I did not). I also added a pinch of chili powder and cayenne pepper (and Emeril's essence seasoning). Let that boil for a few minutes, then turned the stove down for it to simmer for about 20-25 minutes.

Okay, so I use canned organic red beans. I'm sure I'm supposed to avoid canned beans, but it's just so simple. Replace if you'd like with "real" beans.

After the quinoa, broth, and garlic simmered, and the broth was absorbed and evaporated, I poured two cans of organic red beans (drained, of course) into the pan. Let that cook for another five minutes or so, stirring, stirring, stirring. Voila.

I loved it. I'm loving it this morning as my leftovers (I didn't eat a "normal" breakfast before coming in to work today). I'm going to start making huge vats of it on weekends for my lunches during the school weeks. It packs a lot of protein, and while there is a bit of sodium, that's not the biggest deal in my world. Ah, well. Try it if you'd like.

Nicole reminded me that I haven't written about the race, so I'll need to do that over the next few hours. We survived! That's a big win. 5K this weekend in Boulder.

Turkey Trot 2009

We did it!! We did it!! We did it!!

The morning started out with a LOT of nervous energy. Some cereal, a protein drink, and a bit of stretching. In true girly girl fashion, I couldn't decide what the heck to wear. I am a SWEATY Italian woman, and the weather said it was going to be 60 degrees outside, but when we left the house it was close to freezing. I decided on my running pants, a tank top and a long sleeve shirt over it. Liz wore her shorts and an orange running shirt. We left the house at 8:45 to head down to Wash Park.

Liz kept telling me to calm down, that I was making her nervous. I wasn't saying anything so I didn't really know what to change in order to make her less anxious.

We got to the parking lot of South High School and saw what looked like a million people, who were all rearing to go. We got registered, got our t-shirts and decided to walk around the parking lot to warm up. I forgot my camera which I was very upset about, but what can you do?!

There were people dressed like runners, people dressed like turkeys, an elf, an ape, and various other costumes that I can not believe people could run in.

They started the race at 10:15 for the first wave of just runners, and 10:30 if you were going to walk/run. We opted for the second group in case we weren't able to run the whole thing. A decision that I would not make had I known better.

So we get started, and we are amidst mothers, children, strollers, and dogs, and we are trying to dodge and move in and out of people to find a path that we could run at a steady pace. This never happened the entire race.

I ran down the first leg and up the second one before I just had to walk. Then for the last three legs, I did a run/walk combo. It was hot, and there were 9,000 other people and dogs trying to be on the same streets with us.

There were lots of neighborhood folk out on their lawns playing music and cheering everyone on. There was also some jackass cooking bacon, which is cruel and unusual punishment when you are a fat girl trying to run 4 miles.

I finished in 1 hour and 2 minutes, Liz in 1 hour 9 minutes. We finished, which was the most important thing in the world to both of us. 9 weeks ago we couldn't run 1 minute without getting winded, and on Thanksgiving Day we ran our hearts out, and finished our very first race.

We plan on running a 5k next weekend, as well as on New Years Eve (which I am SUPER excited about!)

It was so fitting that we ran a race on Thanksgiving, after we have worked so hard together towards this goal, and on salvaging our relationship. I felt blessed to be in gorgeous Colorado, running with so many other people, and with my love.

'Twas The Night Before Turkey Trot

and all through the house
the dogs were barking at our new little mouse.

It is very loud here. Mostly it's Rufus. He's not really a playful dog, he doesn't "get it." Roxie and Ruby play and tumble together, and he just stands there and barks. He's barking right now -- it's close to impossible for me to form coherent sentences. Where is the mute button on this dog?

So tomorrow is the turkey trot -- what we've all been looking forward to (to an extent). I'm sore from running yesterday, probably because I hadn't run that much in about 4 days. Too bad for me, eh? Tomorrow is four miles. If I can run 3.1 miles, I'll be thrilled beyond belief. I'm going to do my best.

I just saw the race route. Oh, heavens.

Hopefully, tomorrow we'll post something really positive. Maybe a picture or two. We take off at 10:30 MT, so say a little prayer around then for us. Ah! We are almost done with C25K!

Bleh

So today's run SUUUUUUUUUCKED. I can't even begin to emphasize that enough. It was awful. Usually we run at night, in the dark, and the cold. Today, it was hot, and at 1:30 We started at our usual spot, and went about a quarter of the distance we normally do. I had a cramp in my right side that was killing me, and when I stopped to turn around and tell Liz, she was so far behind me and I could tell she was also in pain. Once she got up to where I was, she stopped, dry heaved and sat on the side walk. We decided to go home, and try again tonight.

I have been having a lot of fears about running this race and the fact that it will be taking place during the day has me even more freaked out now. I know how far I can run, and what my body can do now, but I am afraid the fear will set in on Thursday morning, and I will perform like I did today. We have two runs left....two....which is scary, and amazing all at once.

On a light note, baby Ruby is adorable, and having a ball right now playing with her big sister Roxie. They are just running all over the place.

2.5+

We ran 2.5 miles last night (at the very least -- it may have been more). It took me a long time to get going, though, because I was not dressed appropriately for the cold, and my lungs were not doing well at the beginning. Once I warmed up, though, I kept a solid pace and finished strong, never stopping (not even at the beginning when running was difficult).

Today, I fit into my goal pants -- the goal pants I wanted to wear to Thanksgiving at Nicole's mom's house. They fit. They are snug, admittedly, but they FIT. I have them on. I can sit, I can walk ... it's all good. And I have a week to spare (to get rid of this spare, wah wah).

Running 2.5 miles makes me think we can do this next week. 4 miles. We'll run slowly, but we'll do it. We can do it. One step closer to running a half marathon.

15 weeks

I haven't smoked in 15 weeks. 105 days. Wow.

Post-It Notes

Post-it Notes are a major aspect of my teaching, strangely enough.

I tend to jot down details that I need to remember: who walked in late, what I need to cover in class tomorrow, ideas for lesson plans for next semester...there are post-it notes EVERYWHERE.

I'm a Senior Advisor this year, as well, and the post-it notes are a part of advising them -- we have a blackboard filled with our school year goals (some include getting accepted into colleges, enjoying their last year, playing video games...). The post-it notes are specifically for college applications: once a student applies, s/he receives a blank post-it note to write what school s/he applied to. So far, there are 21 post-it notes on the board.

The post-it notes symbolize goals -- what I want to accomplish, or what I want my students to accomplish.

It's not surprising, then, that I have post-it notes taped to my laptop. The one on the left where my left wrist rests as I type this says:
Washington Park
11/26 -
Thanksgiving
5K
Turkey Trot

I wrote it 9 weeks ago and it's been there ever since (with no coffee stains, which is amazing). I wrote it before I knew the race WASN'T a 5K, but instead is a 4 miler.

The right post-it note says:
11/26 - 4 miles
12/5 -- Colder Boulder
12/1 - 12/30 -- 30-45 minute runs
1/1 - 3/1 -- 10K Training
5/31 - Bolder Boulder

I like being able to make goals and ACTUALLY KEEP THEM. It's amazing to me.

I know this blog is about our 101 things together, and we've been focusing on one for a while now (running a half-marathon), but this blog is kind of like one of my post-it notes. It's a reminder.

1. Thank your lucky stars you have someone who loves you.
2. Stop eating like a heifer.
3. Keep moving forward in life.
4. I'm imperfect. That's the way it is. I can only strive to be a better person.

and then there were six

Today was a super fun day. The plan was to get up, and meet our friends Jen and Wyndy for breakfast and then off to shop for Christmas pj's, which we did do. We hit up every single major department store looking for the appropriate attire for the upcoming party. We saw a few things that we liked, made note of them in case we couldn't find anything else. We spent a good four hours walking around the mall. We had decided to leave the mall and head over to Kohl's to see if they had anything we had to have. Auntie Anne's pretzel's called to us on our way out, so we stopped in there, got some pretzels and water and grabbed a table right outside. I ended up in the chair facing the pet store, which had two of the most adorable Yorkie puppies in their front window. We had already spent some time earlier in the day ogling these little babies but kept on our mission of Christmas nighties. I kept joking with Liz about Santa bringing me a Yorkie puppy, a phrase which I have overused for every single holiday that warrants a present. I am sure she is sick to death of hearing it. She affectionately reminded me that puppies are a lot of work, and if we got one, I would have to be the one to get up in the middle of the night, and clean up its messes. She also gave me the "look" that let me know that a puppy was not on the agenda.

So we finish up our pretzels, and the trash can just happened to be located next to the window where said adorable puppies were. So I went over to stare at them some more. They both looked so much like Sam did when he was a baby.

Jen and Wyndy decided to go inside the store, where an older mixed breed was. A dog that they had apparently been eyeing for weeks now, and no one else seemed to want to buy.

Liz and I went into the store and saw them sitting in a meet and greet room with this dog, who they had already named "Rudolph". They kept taunting me and telling me to get one of the Yorkies and go in the room next to them. I told them that I couldn't hold one of these dogs and give it back, that it would have to come home with me. So Liz turns to the pet store girl and tells her to go get one. "WHAAAAAAAAAAT"?

So we go in this room, and this 1 pound ball of fluff gets passed over the half wall to us. She was black and brown and smelled like a puppy and was the cutest thing I had ever seen. I kissed her, and she kissed me and it was just great. Then there was Liz...who just moments earlier was grumpy and complaining she wanted to go home, and ranting about how much work puppies were. Her eyes were now melting into these little pools of love for this little ball of fluff.

She asked me if I wanted her, and then all of a sudden, the four of us were at the front of the store, purchasing dogs. We came to the mall to get pj's and now we are going home with puppies. How did this happen? I have impulse purchased a purse, or a pack of gum...but never in my life would I thought I could add a dog to that list.

So she is home now, after a trip to my Mom's, Petco, and a few spouts of vomiting on my legs in the car. (Oh and apparently I was rude to a guy at Petco because I had vomit on my legs).

She is asleep in Liz's lap in her pink argyle sweater and we are both already head over heels in love with her. She bosses the other two around already and when she growls at them she sounds like Donald Duck speaking. So adorable.

A few thoughts before class

My night class starts in an hour; I have one more paper to grade, Starbuck's to grab, and this blog to write.

I'm a busy person!

First of all, I love being able to look back on my previous entries and smile at how naive I was. I was shocked I could run 5 minutes. Now, I can run 25. It's amazing. This program works miraculously.

I'm applying for a few Master's programs in the upcoming weeks. Cross your fingers for me; I'd really like to move forward in my career, and I think I'm taking the appropriate steps.

Our one year anniversary is coming up! Ah, I sound like such a girl. But it's true, and I'm excited. :)

I told my mom that Nicole and I are engaged...and have been since February. There was a lot of awkward silences on the phone, but at least she knows.

We complete week 7 tomorrow night; next week, we're going to start running for 30 minutes (even though the program says 28, we're going to push to 30 since our race is a 4 miler instead of a 5K).

Is Wash Park my Nemesis?

We decided to run at Wash Park last night as a sort of test to see how race day would go. We don't know exactly where we're running on race day, we just know it's at Wash Park...so we ran on the trail.

Agony.

Complete agony.

Twenty-five minutes of agony, as a matter of fact.

I think we're better off on pavement, strangely enough. I hope Tuesday's run goes a bit better...

Runner chic!

We are half way through week six, which I can not believe. Last Friday we ran our longest run which was a mile and a half. Never in my life have I run even a quarter of a mile without stopping and wanting to die. It was hard, and about three fourths of the way through, I thought I was crazy for ever thinking that I could do it, but when the twenty minutes was up, I felt like I accomplished something. I'm not a very goal oriented person. I am much more of a fly by the seat of my pants kind of girl, so to set out to do something, and to actually do it felt so out of character and so phenomenal. I can see the 5k out there, and while I am still nervous about completing it, I know that I can, and will, we can, and we will.

On a side note , I was looking at myself in the bathroom today, and wasn't disgusted by what I saw. I am starting to recognize my old, "fit" body which I loved, and have missed. I just feel so good!

Thank you Libby and Robert ULLEY for helping me find myself again!

20 minutes, suckas

Oh my heavens, we did it.

Week 5, Day 3. Take that, Robert Ullrey.

I can't believe we made it. I mean, I believe it -- one has to believe in order to survive it, but wow. We went from running a max of 8 minutes to running a mile and a half in 20! I have never run that much in my LIFE...not when I played soccer, not when I played softball...I was never capable of running that much without stopping. And there we were, 5 minutes down, 8 minutes, 10 minutes...and then before I knew it, we had three minutes left, and I thought, "My god, I can make this!" And we did.

Looked ahead to week 6, doesn't seem nearly as tough as week 5.

And this was all after lifting weights this afternoon. Amazing. Completely amazing.

Week 5 Begins

We just got back from our week 5, Day 1 run. It was, in a word, amazing. I felt great -- totally and utterly great. I never felt winded, I never hurt too much, and I never doubted that I could finish. When we finished, I didn't feel like I was staggering to get back. In fact, I sprinted about 10 seconds after our time was done...Nicole ran up behind me saying, "That's not part of the run!" I just felt like I could do it.

On Wednesday, our run consists of two 8 minute intervals with a five minute break -- we can do it. I probably could have done it tonight. Friday, as we all know, is a twenty minute -- nonstop -- run. Holy moley.

Wednesday also marks our halfway point. Turkey Trot, here we come!

A simple quote and not-so-simple thoughts

"It's so much easier to lose weight when you get rid of all of your fat friends." -- Nik

It's true -- if you hang around people who eat and eat and eat, and drink and drink and drink, you're more liable to eat, drink, and be a heifer. One can argue that they are "fat and happy," but at the end of the day, I really just want to be in shape, healthy, and happy.

What's remarkable in all of this is the fact that I don't miss any of them. Not a one and not for even a moment. Perhaps I've come to this realization due to hundreds of dollars in therapy. Or maybe from the exercise and the new activities we're partaking in. Whatever it is, my life is sans negative influences -- and sans toxic individuals.

What I'm still having a hard time reconciling is my attempted suicide. I was driving home a few days ago, and it was like I was struck by lightning. It just hit me: I took pills (in NJ) to commit suicide. No, it didn't hit me that night, no it didn't hit me when the numbing feeling wore off, and it didn't hit me when my psychiatrist said, "So...you know that you ATTEMPTED suicide, right? Taking that many pills is an attempt."

I've moved on past everything else, but there is a feeling of fear and terror -- as I sit in my DBT classes and hear other people talk about their self-harm, it's as if I'm ignoring my own.

The reality? I took pills the night I flew in to New Jersey. I wanted to die. Some of the previously mentioned toxic individuals saved my life. It's strange, but true. Without the actions of those people, I wouldn't be here today -- I wouldn't be ALIVE. Do you understand how frightening that is? I still can't wrap my mind around it.

Ran W4D2 last night. Not sure any of these thoughts make any sense...but had to put them out there. For my own sake, at least.

Cereal and Self-Doubts

I've been eating a lot of cereal -- I'm not sure why that's relevant to the blog, but I felt like it needed to be written.

In the office of our school is a huge box of individual containers of cereal -- mostly Crispix and Cocoa Krispies...and I find myself eating one to two a day as my "snack." I wish I could say I feel guilty about this, but I really don't. Let's look at my menu for today:

This morning, I had a Fiber One toaster pastry, which was actually delicious. I also had my morning coffee.
A few hours later, I had a little box of Crispix.
Then, I had my lunch, which was an individual container of Mac and Cheese.
Two hours later, another cereal.
When I get home, I'll have some sort of fruit and then dinner. Then we'll go to the gym and that will be the end of the eating.

I don't think that's so bad, but maybe I'm warped.

In other news, I had a surge of self-doubt yesterday before our W4D1 run. Could I do this? Why on Earth did I think this was possible? I'm fat. I'm out of shape. Even in my thinnest, most athletic days, I couldn't run. I'd run a lap around the soccer field, and then go into an asthmatic fit. Or...our softball coach would have us run for ten minutes, and I would make it three. Four if I was lucky.

And last night's run looked like this:
5 minute warm up walk
3 minute jog
90 sec. walk
5 minute jog
2 1/2 minute walk
3 min. jog
90 sec. walk
5 min. jog
5 min. cool down walk

Five minutes. These people want me to run/jog for 5 minutes without stopping...twice.

And I really just didn't think it was possible. Then I look ahead to W5D3, and it's a TWENTY MINUTE RUN. And I want to fall over, throw in the towel, eat a donut...anything but even try.

So last night we get out there, and I have my knee brace on (I was really struggling), and the three minute jog begins...so there I go. Jog jog jog. Nik is ahead of me, and I keep telling myself, "It's not a race. It's not a race. Just keep going." And before I knew it -- seriously, before I knew it, the three minutes was over. I actually thought to myself, "Really? That's it?" That's it.

But it still wasn't five minutes. When the five minutes started, I stopped thinking. I started telling myself, "See that house down the road? You're going to make it there." Then I'd get there and say, "Good, now go to THAT house...THAT lamp post...THAT sewer lid." And the five minutes came and went. And I survived.

I survived -- for the first time in my LIFE -- a five minute run.

Wait. Wait.

I did it twice. The last minute of the last five minute jog was a struggle...I had to keep persuading my legs to keep going. Lift up, move forward, keep going. At one point I said aloud, "Come on, finish this." And I did. We both did.

It's unbelievable. We're out there and jogging/running/wogging. We're not eating ice cream in front of the TV. We're not drenching french fries in ranch. We're working out 4, 5, 6 times a week. It's amazing.

If I can do D1, I can do D2 and D3. I need to NOT think about Week 5. I'll think about it this weekend...

a small victory

first and foremost, the running is going really well. we finished week three (a little beat down, but we finished), and we begin week four tomorrow. after we clean today, we're going to lift weights at the gym and perhaps do a little, mini, teeny weeny jog.

but the victory is in the food. we have not gone out to eat in about...three weeks? which, if you know us, is a HUGE deal. admittedly, we got subway 6inch sandwiches one night we went to a choir rehearsal, but i mean, a 6inch sandwich? we're not counting it. ;)

yesterday, we went up to idledale -- our spot -- and were both pretty hungry. so she took me to her favorite restaurant, which is of the italian persuasion, and i ordered something i would always order: fettucine alfredo. why not? it was our combo lunch and dinner and i didn't mind splurging just once.

the salad came, and i ate the whole thing -- so delicious. then our meals came, and i looked at it, and thought, "wow, that's a lot of food."

i can't remember the last time i thought that about any meal. so i started eating -- and it was delicious -- and i probably ate 1/4 or 1/5 of the entire thing and said, "i'm so full."

and i was. i didn't eat the whole plate of pasta. i then commented to nik, "a month ago, i would have eaten all of it," to which she responded, "all of it and mine."

so, a small victory. eating at home has changed my eating habits for the better...and i'm down 8 pounds as of this morning. super duper!

Week 2 Completed

I don't have much to say about completing week 2 except that I'm glad it's done. It wasn't difficult, but I think by lifting weights three times this week, I weakened my body enough so that it felt harder than it actually was. My breathing was great, though -- I'm glad I get to concentrate on nothing but running when I'm doing it.

Nicole and I made it a little over two miles today -- a little further than Wednesday's run. She went faster than I did -- her pace is faster, and she walks a heck of a lot faster than I do. I have to keep reminding myself that it's not a race, it's about myself. I have to do this for myself, not for anyone else or against anyone else.

First snow!

We are at the start of week three of nine, which blows my mind. Since it was snowing (which I love) we had to go to the gym for our run. I was very nervous about this because running in circles makes me crazy, I track each lap and feel like its a form of torture. That was so not the case today, I ran, and walked according to what my new best friend Robert Ulley told me to do. I did over twelve laps which is a little over two miles, and while I was winded at the end of it, I felt strong, and proud, which probably sounds silly. I know that to the outside, people can't tell the changes in my body, but I can. I can feel the muscles in my legs, abs and back. I can feel that I can breathe deeper than I could before (too bad I'm no longer singing) and while my pants still fit, they fit better than they did two weeks ago.
I'm amazed by what I can do, that I did two miles today and never once even considered quitting, I just kept going, and pushed myself. I am falling in love with running, which is a very strange statement coming from me.
We also made potato soup in honor of the first snow of the season! It was so yummy with the biscuits, and cheese...mmmmm.
We spent some time at the super cool cake store off of Broadway and Oxford. We needed to get some food coloring for our creepy cupcakes that we are making! It has been a great day!

More thoughts on working out

Who would think that I'd be obsessively posting/reading about running? I don't get it. I don't know where it came from, but I like it. Nicole likes it, too. We're working out together, not in a competitive way, but in a loving, "keep going, babe" kind of way.

Last night, while we were lifting weights, I started to get a headache, and decided I wouldn't do the last two machines since I didn't feel up to it. Nicole said, flat out: "That sounds like the old Libby Colorado."

And it struck me. Was I making an excuse so I wouldn't have to finish? Do I like the idea of being an athlete / of working out, but can't follow through? I had to see.

She left to walk around the gym (she was finished with her machines), and I decided to buckle down and try. There were only two machines left, why not? So I did three reps on both of them. I could have stopped at two, but I felt I had something to prove. A headache from doing an ab workout was not going to stop me. My weight gain was not going to stop me. My brain telling me, "You're done, take a break" was not going to stop me. I had to push through.

I've read a lot of people's comments about running -- how even after they've been runners for years, the first mile or two SUCKS. It hurts. You have to find a rhythm. One person said that she hates the first two miles, wants to quit every time, but after those two miles are done, she can run for ten easily. And she has never quit.

I quit smoking (64 days!), I quit drinking soda, and I quit fast food. I don't need to quit anything else. I'm going to push through. Tomorrow is Week 2, Day 3 -- and we're going to run in the early morning.

By the way, and just so it's out there (again), I love my wife.

letting go

Yesterday as I was leaving for work,I grabbed my keys off of my mirrored key hook by my front door. Stuck square in the middle of the mirror was a post it note that said "I love you more than anything in the world". I smiled as I read the note and noticed my reflection in the mirror. This was the first time in months that I recognized myself, and knew that at last, I am happy again.
My depression goes beyond the mess that occurred this summer, I have lost friends in the past year who I thought would be in my life forever. It has taken me almost a year to come to terms with the fact that they will not be, and that as much as I loved them, they are all emotionally stunted, and not actually healthy people for me to be around. I spent days in bed crying, and some mornings would just wake up sobbing I couldn't seem to get over the loss, and felt like there was no end in sight. This was never a problem for me in the past. I had overcome much greater challenges in my life, and while they were devastating events, I always knew that I would be ok.
What happened this summer took an emotional toll on me, and while each day I woke up and functioned, I never felt happy. I couldn't relax, I always wanted to be somewhere else, to be someone else. I let the words of others crush me and doubted who I was as a person. I couldn't let go of my anger, and move forward with my life.
From July through September, I took prescription ambien to sleep every night. I knew that I couldn't rely on that forever, so when the bottle ran out, I decided not to refill. I was taking Benadryl and sometimes Melatonin. The night before the sticky note arrived, I did not take anything to sleep. I fell asleep all on my own, and slept through the night without any problems.
I feel like myself again, my happy, sarcastic, loving self. I don't know if part of it was the return of Liz's stuff to the house, or what triggered it, but I have let go, and let her in. I feel amazing, am working out like a fiend, eating well, sleeping well and enjoying each day. I'm happy, so very happy.

Living in the moment

It's difficult for me to be in the moment, to experience the "now." I drift off so often, thinking back, thinking ahead, but what about right now?

I'm supposed to experience the senses of now -- what do I see, feel, hear, smell, taste? What am I experiencing NOW?

This was a lot easier last night when I was running. We ran outside for the first time, and I kept thinking to myself about how my legs felt, how my feet touched the ground, how my shoulders felt, what the houses looked like, what the air smelled like. There was no time to think of anything else, just living in the moment.

Maybe that's why my DBT classes and running are fitting so perfectly together. They are allowing me to experience my life from a different (and better) perspective.

I drove to work this morning thinking about how much I love my life. I have a woman who loves me, a great home, and a new, healthy routine. My life is very satisfying.

No restaurants for us...

I just asked Nicole if it's been a week since we've gone out to eat, or had any meal outside of our home, and the answer was yes. It's probably been longer than a week by now.

I like the life we're building for ourselves; it's healthier in many ways. I'm glad to be home with her at night, eating whatever is left over or something new or a bowl of Golden Grahams, and just talking with her, playing with our dogs, or getting ready to work out together.

I have no desire to eat at a restaurant, either, which is VERY strange for me. I love food. Hence, I have plenty of weight to lose. But I am not craving restaurant food or fast food or anything of that nature; I just want to go home, make a salad, and run for thirty minutes. Not bad.

number 71 aka giving up soda!

First off, let me say that right now, it is taking effort to type this. My arms are shaking so badly from tonight's workout, so everyone (all three people who are reading this) must appreciate what I am about to say....
I gave up soda, which I didn't think was going to be a big deal at all, but turns out, it is.
I never thought that I drank the stuff all that much, only when I go out to eat, and occasionally at work. A cherry coke in the afternoon helped get me through the last two hours of the day, and let's face it, it's delicious. So when we gave up going out to eat for the first two weeks of the month, it made total sense to give up soda at the same time.
So I am sitting at work this afternoon on the fifth day of the no soda spree, and my head is pounding, and I'm tired and all I want to do is scavange through my purse and find the 65 cents to go buy a cherry coke...and that's when it occurs to me that I am totally and completely addicted to the caffiene. I never would have thought that I was because I am not a coffee drinker. I don't have to start my day off with a cup of joe, but my body for sure was craving that little pick me up. No matter how much water I drank, my head still pounded away.
Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day, that the headaches will subside, and I don't have to work until a million o'clock, becuase I really don't want to cave, and drink a delicious coke. I'm really looking forward to the time when I don't even think of soda as an option for drinking. It feels great to be thinking in a healthier state of mind.

Week 2 of training

Nicole and I started week 2 of Couch to 5K training yesterday; we both had that "oh my goodness, I want to die" look on our faces. I am baffled as to how I'm going to work my way up to 3.2 miles. Yesterday was 1.75 miles, and heavens, that was enough.

My body feels differently, though. I have not stepped on a scale to start the working out process, but I can notice a difference in how my body looks. I worked out four times last week, and am planning on at least four times this week (resting is important, too).

Tonight, our plan is to jog around the track once, work on strength through machines, and then go in the pool and hot tub. Sounds like a good evening to me!

Also, I marked off number 47 from the list because I have officially driven the car successfully -- which, in my world, means that I shifted gears without thinking. It was a great drive to the store!

Pumpkin Cupcakes sans marzipan

Okay, so we cheated.

And Nicole said it's okay, and since she is the boss, I defer to her on this one. So Martha Stewart, in all of her glory and baking goodness, expected us to make marzipan pumpkin candies, which would be placed on top of the pumpkin cupcakes.

Nicole and I looked at the recipe and she said, simply: "No."

So we cheated. We didn't make the marzipan pumpkin candies.

We used, ahem, store-bought candies.

Gasp!

But allow me to tell you, readers, that the pumpkin cupcakes with cream cheese frosting are, in fact, delicious. And since we're becoming regular cupcake-makers, we had many ingredients on hand. All we had to buy was butter, cream cheese, pumpkin puree (not pumpkin pie filling, which is what we had in the pantry), and, you know, the cheating candies.

The process of making the cupcakes gets smoother every time. Nicole, however, is not keen on using the mixer anymore. Apparently, and this has gone unnoticed by me, she mixes every time. And it's tiring. And not as fun as sifting? I can only imagine. So next time, it's all me on the mixer.

And don't tell Nicole, but I have a little plan to buy a standing mixer in the near future. Not because I don't want to be Ms. Mix-a-lot, but because the one I've been eying is pink and adorable. And perfect for us.

We've reached the end of our night, we shared one cupcake (hey, we ran today -- why sabotage ourselves within twelve hours?), Nicole is cleaning up, and I'm writing this. It's been a good day.

Couch to 5K

I'm starting the Couch to 5K program, which I downloaded on iTunes as a podcast. Essentially, it's a 9-week program designed for couch potatoes...like myself.

I'm starting it today at the gym; I went to the gym three times last week, and felt great about it. I hopped on the elliptical for 10-15 minutes each time, and then the treadmill for 10-25 minutes, briskly walking, with sporadic running for one minute at a time. It's not much, admittedly -- but it's more than I have done.

On our list, number 72 is to run a half marathon. I have a long way to go before that's possible, so I need to start now. Maybe we'll run a full marathon after a while.

All I know is that I've been craving working out. So now I wait for Nicole to get home so that we can go to the gym and get started on the nine week program. I hope it works!

Out of the closet, into the hamper

A quick update to say that in an effort to wear all of my clothes before 2012, I have started to go to the gym again. Frankly, I can't fit into 75% of the clothes in the closet anymore, and I do want to accomplish that goal...especially since I have some killer suits to wear.

L X

Those who wanted to wound me wounded you.
and the dose of secret poison meant for me like a net passes through my work-but leaves
its smear of rust and sleeplessness on you.

I don't want the hate that sabotaged me, Love, to shadow your forehead's flowering moon;
I don't want some stupid random rancor
to drop its crown of knives onto your dream.

Bitter footsteps follow me;
a hideous grimace mocks my smile; envy spits
a curse, gaffaws, gnashes its teeth where I sing.

And that, Love, is the shadow life has given me:
an empty suit of clothes that chases me,
limping like a scarecrow with a bloody grin.

Pablo Neruda

Look out, number 47

The true test will be on Monday when Nicole sends me to work in her car.

But last night, I drove from our house to her mother's house (about ten-ish minutes away, if not more) in Nicole's car -- a stick shift.

I realize that I'm turning twenty-seven on Saturday, and that I shouldn't be so excited about driving...but the idea that I've never learned how to be fully comfortable driving a stick shift -- and that I did it last night -- is amazing to me. I shifted gears, I am learning to "feel" the engine, I didn't stall the car.

Okay, I stalled once. BUT! It stalled when I was pulling into OUR driveway after the whole trip. Nicole called it a fluke. It's no wonder I love her.

I never learned because my parents never had a manual car when I had my license. I remember way -- WAY -- back in the day, my dad drove a little white Subaru, and I remembered him shifting and all of that when he would drive. But my mother NEVER drove the car. Actually, I believe that my mom was supposed to take the car for inspection, and she had to call Aunt Jeanne to drive. My mom never learned how to drive a stick shift, and therefore, neither did we. My brother and I feel a little cheated by it.

A while ago, Sean started teaching me how to drive. Sean may in fact be the best driving instructor one can imagine. He let me stall that darn truck a thousand times, and he was patient through the whole process. Great times. I drove around parking lots, I drove by elementary schools (when school was NOT in session), I stalled on a hill, all because he just let me. And explained how to do it in language that made complete sense. Now, with Nicole's help, I'm getting the basics and more under my belt.

Monday, however, is the true test. There is QUITE the hill leading up to my school. If something happens there, I am -- not to put too fine a point on it -- doomed. We're going to take a test drive this weekend to practice. But Monday, alone, me and the Eclipse...that's when we'll see just how comfortable I am driving a stick shift.

Food, Friends, and Family

We had my mom, and our friend Catherine over for dinner last night. Liz cooked eggplant parmigiana, pasta and a yummy salad. Mom brought garlic knots from my favorite pizza place, Big Bill's, as well as homemade pecan pie. I love that she still makes me some sort of dessert for my birthday. Catherine brought a super delicious strawberry shortcake. We had wine, told stories and jokes and just had a very nice, relaxing time. We ended the night with a little "Say Yes To The Dress" and a walk around the old hood with the dogs.

Liz also fell down the stairs, which was the funniest thing I have seen in a long time. It felt good to laugh like that, even if it was at her expense.

Today was a really good day. We met with Arlene, who as usual, had amazing things to say. We prayed at the end of our session, which I find so cathartic. The dogs were groomed while we had ribs at Chili's, we watched a movie, in bed with the window open while it rained outside, I made banana bread and now we are in our usual spots in front of the t.v. while the dogs sleep next to us.

36 Dollars, or Why Number 49 Matters

If we don't start managing our bank accounts IMMEDIATELY, we'll never save money for a house or a new car. We're chronic spenders; I wish one of us was a saver, but we're really REALLY not.

I checked my bank account this morning: $36. Yes, that's right. $36. Well, it's not right, but it's accurate. The thing is, though, I only get paid once a month -- so my next paycheck is twenty days away.

Where does the money go? I almost put two question marks there because I'm so desperate to understand why I have a spending problem.

So, I dusted off the old finances spreadsheet I made when we were trying to buy a house a few months ago -- I haven't touched it in two months -- and updated it. My new goal? Check every day to make sure my spending is marked on the spreadsheet.

Not that I have anything to spend now.

Smoke Free for 1001 Days

I’m not sure how often I’ll write about this – we’re only on day four, really, of our 1,001 days to go. But number 31 is really for me, not for us (Nicole has never smoked before, and never plans on it, either): to remain smoke free for 1,001 days.

I have been smoke free for 28 days. A full four weeks, that is. When this is all over, I will (at best) be smoke free for 1,025 days. Imagine that – no smoking for all of that time.

Quitting smoking is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I will quit for a few months, weeks, days, and then the urge will strike. Sometimes, it will be in the middle of a faculty meeting at school, usually when someone is yelling or arguing or just talking and talking and talking – oftentimes when I’m driving home afterwards, I'll pull over to a gas station and buy a pack (or two) of Parliament Lights. Then I'll tell myself that I'll quit after that pack, and five packs later (and usually with some sort of throat illness) I'll try to quit again. Right in time for the next faculty meeting.

I never try to quit with patches or gum or anything of that sort. I just don’t find myself “addicted” – I don’t know why. I’m sure I am. But I lasted many months by quitting cold turkey, and it’s how I’m doing it again.

28 days.

Nicole is celebrating my full month of not smoking this weekend in Boulder as we go on the Celestial Seasonings tour, up to Estes Park for a walk, and just general moseying around the mountains. Nothing like clean, mountain air to remind me why quitting is so important.

June 5, 2012

I can't believe we're going to be doing this until June 5, 2012. THAT is crazy. And exhilarating.

Day One

We started the evening out by making Caprese pizzas. Garlic, olive oil, mozzarella cheese, basil, tomatoes, you just can't go wrong. A little white wine, a little pepsi, some green roses on the table, and my best friend sitting across from me. Although she informed me last night, that when you are thirty, you no longer need nor have best friends, she still is mine. We ate, we talked, we laughed, it was a seemingly normal evening, however it is setting in motion our goal to fall completely and totally back in love, while doing things we both love, goals we have, and things we want the other to experience. We ended the night by baking our first batch of Martha Stewart's cupcakes. Chocolate chip, with dark chocolate icing. They are heavenly, and I invite anyone who would like to try one to stop by!
My favorite part of the experience was whipping the egg whites to form a "stiff peak". We decided to be ambitious and use a whisk for this. It took ten minutes, and vigourous stirring by both of us. It was comical.

The List

Italicized = In progress

Bold = Completed (20/101)

1. Make 175 different types of homemade cupcakes. (6/175)

2. Wear every article of clothing.

3. Nicole: Wear every piece of jewelry.

4. Libby: Wear every pair of shoes.

5. Walk the dogs together at least three times a week for a year. (0/52)

6. Stay in Breckenridge for a weekend.

7. Nicole: Learn to speak German.

8. Libby: Learn to speak Spanish (again).

9. Make a new dish every Sunday.

10. Read ten books the other recommends. (0/10)

11. Not go to Starbucks for an entire month. (0/30)

12. Eat every meal at home for an entire week. (7/7)

13. Go to the movies once a month together. (2/12)

14. Grow vegetables.

15. Buy new couches.

16. Get massages once a month for a year.

17. Go to Mt. Rushmore.

18. Go to Coeurdalene, Idaho.

19. See at least five live music performances. (1/5)

20. Go to Rockefeller Center at Christmas time to see the tree.

21. Host a holiday dinner party.

22. Buy something for the other person once a month.

23. Have our parents over for dinner.

24. Visit Taos, New Mexico.

25. Visit Tiny Town (Colorado).

26. Have Krissy over for a sleepover.

27. Make smores.

28. Feed the homeless.

29. Knit a blanket together.

30. Take Nicole’s Mom to San Diego for her 60th birthday.

31. Remain smoke free for all 1001 days.

32. Go an entire month without buying anything except groceries.

33. Catch up on Lost.

34. Get real houseplants.

35. Get pedicures together once a month.

36. Sit outside under the stars and talk.

37. Donate blood together.

38. Visit our grandparents’ graves.

39. Ride bikes together.

40. Roller blade together.

41. Eat vegetarian for a month. (30/30)

42. Eat vegan for a month. (30/30)

43. Have game night once a month (host or attend).

44. Nicole will show Libby around Seattle. And Forks.

45. Buy a house.

46. Buy a new car.

47. Libby: Drive a stick shift comfortably.

48. Clean out the garage.

49. Manage our checking accounts.

50. Use all of Nicole’s perfume without buying any new ones.

51. Host a Halloween party.

52. Volunteer for Habitat for Humanity.

53. Find a church.

54. Go snowshoeing.

55. Buy a new Christmas tree.

56. Take a trip to the Grand Canyon.

57. Take a trip to Las Vegas.

58. Nicole: Go back to school.

59. Libby: Apply to graduate school and/or law school.

60. Libby: Learn to knit.

61. Nicole: See five foreign films.

62. Learn to make salt scrubs.

63. Buy a pink Kitchenaid stand mixer.

64. For one month, no chain restaurants – local and ethnic foods are acceptable.

65. Go bowling together.

66. Go miniature golfing together.

67. Stay up one night talking.

68. Read thirty poems to each other. (0/30)

69. Write a children’s book together.

70. Send out Christmas cards.

71. Go one week without soda.

72. Run a half marathon.

73. Participate in the Moonlight Classic.

74. Visit the Denver Art Museum.

75. Drive across the country.

76. See a concert at Red Rocks.

77. Go to a comedy show.

78. Make fondue for friends.

79. Use only cash for a month.

80. Attend a Denver Broncos game.

81. Stay in bed for an entire day.

82. Watch a sunrise together.

83. Go camping!

84. Join a bible study.

85. Keep our phones off for forty-eight hours.

86. Jetski!

87. Have a spa day.

88. Go to a drive in movie.

89. Write ten love notes to each other.

90. Listen to a book on tape.

91. Create soundtracks for each other.

92. Clean out our cars.

93. Go to the opera.

94. Go to the ballet.

95. Have a picnic.

96. Teach Nicole how to play chess.

97. Go on three romantic weekend getaways. (1/3)

98. After finding a church, tithe regularly.

99. Play a game of tennis.

100. Participate in Soldiers’ Angels.

101. Get married.