Is Wash Park my Nemesis?

We decided to run at Wash Park last night as a sort of test to see how race day would go. We don't know exactly where we're running on race day, we just know it's at Wash Park...so we ran on the trail.

Agony.

Complete agony.

Twenty-five minutes of agony, as a matter of fact.

I think we're better off on pavement, strangely enough. I hope Tuesday's run goes a bit better...

20 minutes, suckas

Oh my heavens, we did it.

Week 5, Day 3. Take that, Robert Ullrey.

I can't believe we made it. I mean, I believe it -- one has to believe in order to survive it, but wow. We went from running a max of 8 minutes to running a mile and a half in 20! I have never run that much in my LIFE...not when I played soccer, not when I played softball...I was never capable of running that much without stopping. And there we were, 5 minutes down, 8 minutes, 10 minutes...and then before I knew it, we had three minutes left, and I thought, "My god, I can make this!" And we did.

Looked ahead to week 6, doesn't seem nearly as tough as week 5.

And this was all after lifting weights this afternoon. Amazing. Completely amazing.

Week 5 Begins

We just got back from our week 5, Day 1 run. It was, in a word, amazing. I felt great -- totally and utterly great. I never felt winded, I never hurt too much, and I never doubted that I could finish. When we finished, I didn't feel like I was staggering to get back. In fact, I sprinted about 10 seconds after our time was done...Nicole ran up behind me saying, "That's not part of the run!" I just felt like I could do it.

On Wednesday, our run consists of two 8 minute intervals with a five minute break -- we can do it. I probably could have done it tonight. Friday, as we all know, is a twenty minute -- nonstop -- run. Holy moley.

Wednesday also marks our halfway point. Turkey Trot, here we come!

A simple quote and not-so-simple thoughts

"It's so much easier to lose weight when you get rid of all of your fat friends." -- Nik

It's true -- if you hang around people who eat and eat and eat, and drink and drink and drink, you're more liable to eat, drink, and be a heifer. One can argue that they are "fat and happy," but at the end of the day, I really just want to be in shape, healthy, and happy.

What's remarkable in all of this is the fact that I don't miss any of them. Not a one and not for even a moment. Perhaps I've come to this realization due to hundreds of dollars in therapy. Or maybe from the exercise and the new activities we're partaking in. Whatever it is, my life is sans negative influences -- and sans toxic individuals.

What I'm still having a hard time reconciling is my attempted suicide. I was driving home a few days ago, and it was like I was struck by lightning. It just hit me: I took pills (in NJ) to commit suicide. No, it didn't hit me that night, no it didn't hit me when the numbing feeling wore off, and it didn't hit me when my psychiatrist said, "So...you know that you ATTEMPTED suicide, right? Taking that many pills is an attempt."

I've moved on past everything else, but there is a feeling of fear and terror -- as I sit in my DBT classes and hear other people talk about their self-harm, it's as if I'm ignoring my own.

The reality? I took pills the night I flew in to New Jersey. I wanted to die. Some of the previously mentioned toxic individuals saved my life. It's strange, but true. Without the actions of those people, I wouldn't be here today -- I wouldn't be ALIVE. Do you understand how frightening that is? I still can't wrap my mind around it.

Ran W4D2 last night. Not sure any of these thoughts make any sense...but had to put them out there. For my own sake, at least.

Cereal and Self-Doubts

I've been eating a lot of cereal -- I'm not sure why that's relevant to the blog, but I felt like it needed to be written.

In the office of our school is a huge box of individual containers of cereal -- mostly Crispix and Cocoa Krispies...and I find myself eating one to two a day as my "snack." I wish I could say I feel guilty about this, but I really don't. Let's look at my menu for today:

This morning, I had a Fiber One toaster pastry, which was actually delicious. I also had my morning coffee.
A few hours later, I had a little box of Crispix.
Then, I had my lunch, which was an individual container of Mac and Cheese.
Two hours later, another cereal.
When I get home, I'll have some sort of fruit and then dinner. Then we'll go to the gym and that will be the end of the eating.

I don't think that's so bad, but maybe I'm warped.

In other news, I had a surge of self-doubt yesterday before our W4D1 run. Could I do this? Why on Earth did I think this was possible? I'm fat. I'm out of shape. Even in my thinnest, most athletic days, I couldn't run. I'd run a lap around the soccer field, and then go into an asthmatic fit. Or...our softball coach would have us run for ten minutes, and I would make it three. Four if I was lucky.

And last night's run looked like this:
5 minute warm up walk
3 minute jog
90 sec. walk
5 minute jog
2 1/2 minute walk
3 min. jog
90 sec. walk
5 min. jog
5 min. cool down walk

Five minutes. These people want me to run/jog for 5 minutes without stopping...twice.

And I really just didn't think it was possible. Then I look ahead to W5D3, and it's a TWENTY MINUTE RUN. And I want to fall over, throw in the towel, eat a donut...anything but even try.

So last night we get out there, and I have my knee brace on (I was really struggling), and the three minute jog begins...so there I go. Jog jog jog. Nik is ahead of me, and I keep telling myself, "It's not a race. It's not a race. Just keep going." And before I knew it -- seriously, before I knew it, the three minutes was over. I actually thought to myself, "Really? That's it?" That's it.

But it still wasn't five minutes. When the five minutes started, I stopped thinking. I started telling myself, "See that house down the road? You're going to make it there." Then I'd get there and say, "Good, now go to THAT house...THAT lamp post...THAT sewer lid." And the five minutes came and went. And I survived.

I survived -- for the first time in my LIFE -- a five minute run.

Wait. Wait.

I did it twice. The last minute of the last five minute jog was a struggle...I had to keep persuading my legs to keep going. Lift up, move forward, keep going. At one point I said aloud, "Come on, finish this." And I did. We both did.

It's unbelievable. We're out there and jogging/running/wogging. We're not eating ice cream in front of the TV. We're not drenching french fries in ranch. We're working out 4, 5, 6 times a week. It's amazing.

If I can do D1, I can do D2 and D3. I need to NOT think about Week 5. I'll think about it this weekend...

a small victory

first and foremost, the running is going really well. we finished week three (a little beat down, but we finished), and we begin week four tomorrow. after we clean today, we're going to lift weights at the gym and perhaps do a little, mini, teeny weeny jog.

but the victory is in the food. we have not gone out to eat in about...three weeks? which, if you know us, is a HUGE deal. admittedly, we got subway 6inch sandwiches one night we went to a choir rehearsal, but i mean, a 6inch sandwich? we're not counting it. ;)

yesterday, we went up to idledale -- our spot -- and were both pretty hungry. so she took me to her favorite restaurant, which is of the italian persuasion, and i ordered something i would always order: fettucine alfredo. why not? it was our combo lunch and dinner and i didn't mind splurging just once.

the salad came, and i ate the whole thing -- so delicious. then our meals came, and i looked at it, and thought, "wow, that's a lot of food."

i can't remember the last time i thought that about any meal. so i started eating -- and it was delicious -- and i probably ate 1/4 or 1/5 of the entire thing and said, "i'm so full."

and i was. i didn't eat the whole plate of pasta. i then commented to nik, "a month ago, i would have eaten all of it," to which she responded, "all of it and mine."

so, a small victory. eating at home has changed my eating habits for the better...and i'm down 8 pounds as of this morning. super duper!

Week 2 Completed

I don't have much to say about completing week 2 except that I'm glad it's done. It wasn't difficult, but I think by lifting weights three times this week, I weakened my body enough so that it felt harder than it actually was. My breathing was great, though -- I'm glad I get to concentrate on nothing but running when I'm doing it.

Nicole and I made it a little over two miles today -- a little further than Wednesday's run. She went faster than I did -- her pace is faster, and she walks a heck of a lot faster than I do. I have to keep reminding myself that it's not a race, it's about myself. I have to do this for myself, not for anyone else or against anyone else.

More thoughts on working out

Who would think that I'd be obsessively posting/reading about running? I don't get it. I don't know where it came from, but I like it. Nicole likes it, too. We're working out together, not in a competitive way, but in a loving, "keep going, babe" kind of way.

Last night, while we were lifting weights, I started to get a headache, and decided I wouldn't do the last two machines since I didn't feel up to it. Nicole said, flat out: "That sounds like the old Libby Colorado."

And it struck me. Was I making an excuse so I wouldn't have to finish? Do I like the idea of being an athlete / of working out, but can't follow through? I had to see.

She left to walk around the gym (she was finished with her machines), and I decided to buckle down and try. There were only two machines left, why not? So I did three reps on both of them. I could have stopped at two, but I felt I had something to prove. A headache from doing an ab workout was not going to stop me. My weight gain was not going to stop me. My brain telling me, "You're done, take a break" was not going to stop me. I had to push through.

I've read a lot of people's comments about running -- how even after they've been runners for years, the first mile or two SUCKS. It hurts. You have to find a rhythm. One person said that she hates the first two miles, wants to quit every time, but after those two miles are done, she can run for ten easily. And she has never quit.

I quit smoking (64 days!), I quit drinking soda, and I quit fast food. I don't need to quit anything else. I'm going to push through. Tomorrow is Week 2, Day 3 -- and we're going to run in the early morning.

By the way, and just so it's out there (again), I love my wife.

No restaurants for us...

I just asked Nicole if it's been a week since we've gone out to eat, or had any meal outside of our home, and the answer was yes. It's probably been longer than a week by now.

I like the life we're building for ourselves; it's healthier in many ways. I'm glad to be home with her at night, eating whatever is left over or something new or a bowl of Golden Grahams, and just talking with her, playing with our dogs, or getting ready to work out together.

I have no desire to eat at a restaurant, either, which is VERY strange for me. I love food. Hence, I have plenty of weight to lose. But I am not craving restaurant food or fast food or anything of that nature; I just want to go home, make a salad, and run for thirty minutes. Not bad.

Week 2 of training

Nicole and I started week 2 of Couch to 5K training yesterday; we both had that "oh my goodness, I want to die" look on our faces. I am baffled as to how I'm going to work my way up to 3.2 miles. Yesterday was 1.75 miles, and heavens, that was enough.

My body feels differently, though. I have not stepped on a scale to start the working out process, but I can notice a difference in how my body looks. I worked out four times last week, and am planning on at least four times this week (resting is important, too).

Tonight, our plan is to jog around the track once, work on strength through machines, and then go in the pool and hot tub. Sounds like a good evening to me!

Also, I marked off number 47 from the list because I have officially driven the car successfully -- which, in my world, means that I shifted gears without thinking. It was a great drive to the store!

Couch to 5K

I'm starting the Couch to 5K program, which I downloaded on iTunes as a podcast. Essentially, it's a 9-week program designed for couch potatoes...like myself.

I'm starting it today at the gym; I went to the gym three times last week, and felt great about it. I hopped on the elliptical for 10-15 minutes each time, and then the treadmill for 10-25 minutes, briskly walking, with sporadic running for one minute at a time. It's not much, admittedly -- but it's more than I have done.

On our list, number 72 is to run a half marathon. I have a long way to go before that's possible, so I need to start now. Maybe we'll run a full marathon after a while.

All I know is that I've been craving working out. So now I wait for Nicole to get home so that we can go to the gym and get started on the nine week program. I hope it works!

Out of the closet, into the hamper

A quick update to say that in an effort to wear all of my clothes before 2012, I have started to go to the gym again. Frankly, I can't fit into 75% of the clothes in the closet anymore, and I do want to accomplish that goal...especially since I have some killer suits to wear.