"It's so much easier to lose weight when you get rid of all of your fat friends." -- Nik
It's true -- if you hang around people who eat and eat and eat, and drink and drink and drink, you're more liable to eat, drink, and be a heifer. One can argue that they are "fat and happy," but at the end of the day, I really just want to be in shape, healthy, and happy.
What's remarkable in all of this is the fact that I don't miss any of them. Not a one and not for even a moment. Perhaps I've come to this realization due to hundreds of dollars in therapy. Or maybe from the exercise and the new activities we're partaking in. Whatever it is, my life is sans negative influences -- and sans toxic individuals.
What I'm still having a hard time reconciling is my attempted suicide. I was driving home a few days ago, and it was like I was struck by lightning. It just hit me: I took pills (in NJ) to commit suicide. No, it didn't hit me that night, no it didn't hit me when the numbing feeling wore off, and it didn't hit me when my psychiatrist said, "So...you know that you ATTEMPTED suicide, right? Taking that many pills is an attempt."
I've moved on past everything else, but there is a feeling of fear and terror -- as I sit in my DBT classes and hear other people talk about their self-harm, it's as if I'm ignoring my own.
The reality? I took pills the night I flew in to New Jersey. I wanted to die. Some of the previously mentioned toxic individuals saved my life. It's strange, but true. Without the actions of those people, I wouldn't be here today -- I wouldn't be ALIVE. Do you understand how frightening that is? I still can't wrap my mind around it.
Ran W4D2 last night. Not sure any of these thoughts make any sense...but had to put them out there. For my own sake, at least.
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