letting go

Yesterday as I was leaving for work,I grabbed my keys off of my mirrored key hook by my front door. Stuck square in the middle of the mirror was a post it note that said "I love you more than anything in the world". I smiled as I read the note and noticed my reflection in the mirror. This was the first time in months that I recognized myself, and knew that at last, I am happy again.
My depression goes beyond the mess that occurred this summer, I have lost friends in the past year who I thought would be in my life forever. It has taken me almost a year to come to terms with the fact that they will not be, and that as much as I loved them, they are all emotionally stunted, and not actually healthy people for me to be around. I spent days in bed crying, and some mornings would just wake up sobbing I couldn't seem to get over the loss, and felt like there was no end in sight. This was never a problem for me in the past. I had overcome much greater challenges in my life, and while they were devastating events, I always knew that I would be ok.
What happened this summer took an emotional toll on me, and while each day I woke up and functioned, I never felt happy. I couldn't relax, I always wanted to be somewhere else, to be someone else. I let the words of others crush me and doubted who I was as a person. I couldn't let go of my anger, and move forward with my life.
From July through September, I took prescription ambien to sleep every night. I knew that I couldn't rely on that forever, so when the bottle ran out, I decided not to refill. I was taking Benadryl and sometimes Melatonin. The night before the sticky note arrived, I did not take anything to sleep. I fell asleep all on my own, and slept through the night without any problems.
I feel like myself again, my happy, sarcastic, loving self. I don't know if part of it was the return of Liz's stuff to the house, or what triggered it, but I have let go, and let her in. I feel amazing, am working out like a fiend, eating well, sleeping well and enjoying each day. I'm happy, so very happy.